History is crap. I never liked this stupid subject in primary 4, still didn't like it  even when I was in highschool. Why the fuck should I memorize dates which are long gone? Who farking cares wot happened during 1812? So what if the East India Company became the spice supremo during the dunno-wot-century? And how much have I applied my history knowledge in the industry I'm working in at the moment? Nada. Zilth. Zero. So why the fuck did I bother back then?

But I hav to admit I find the Hang Tuah fiasco kinda interesting. There was a brief mention about this hero dude in the form 5 history text books but most M'sian kids know the story way before they started schooling.. Anyways, I still think Tuah was a dumb fuck and Jebat was one of the coolest dudes around during that century. Anyways, here's a sliver of what I remember, the last scene whereby Tuah was instructed by the Sultan to kill Jebat; his best buddy who turned against the Malacca sultanate.

Tuah : JEBAT! U KELUAR SEKARANG JUGAK!!! Nyampah u... my brother... how u boleh derhaka sama Sultan and the negara?

Jebat : Abang Tuah... **shock... horror...** I kenot percaya ini... semua hommies sekalian kata you sudah mampus! That is why I ran amok... itu pun untuk avenge you my dear abang... pls percaya me... pls percaya...

Tuah : Ah... you jangan Bollywood style seek my kesian. I nampak ini scene every hari on Astro Vannavil. Jebat... I diri here today... you sure tau kenapa I am here...

Jebat : Yes my darling Tuah... sudah tiba masanya kita settle this. Aku sudah terlanjur jalan... there is no redemption... there can hanya be one... awww... tak kuasa I! Eh... cantik tak my tengkolok? I beli ni 50% discount kat Aseana in KLCC. 5000 Bonuslink points bang!

Tuah : CIS JEBAT! Berani you memper-play-play-kan my dignity! We were like isi dengan kuku... lu ingat sumpah kita buat kat Telaga Hang Li Po masa we were like budak budak?

Jebat : Eh... sumpah ape pulak? I cuma ingat kita main peek-a-boo dengan dayang dayang yang tengah mandi kat telaga nyampah tu. Fuih... we were so ter-ghairah... like horny monyet... ewah!

Tuah : **oh shit... tembelang pecah...** Pssttt Jebat... pelan u punya suara sikit. **regain komposure** Btw... itu bukan point I. I cuma mau kepala u... buat decoration sama rumah baru I kat Brickfields.

Jebat : Ur kata kata hav hurt me Tuah. Tapi I tak afraid. Sebab... I have the Keris Tamingsarung... and wiv ini keris... I have director aura!!! SO U takbleh sentuh I Tuah! Err... also sebab I baru mandi dengan DOVE moisturing cream... veli licin... ehehehe... awww...

Tuah : Chewaaaah! U think I takut itu keris kecik? Pisau dapur mak I lagi besak! Tajam lagi! U check properly itu keris Jebat... I ade nampak cap "Made in Taiwan" kat belakang... I remember I nampak last time bila I guna keris tu buat kopek durian D12 kat istana...

Jebat : **belek belek keris... shock... horror...** Astagfirullah... OMG... you are most definitely absolutely accurately condescendingly  veli right Tuah! This kenot be!!! Oh... I rasa bagai the sky sudah fell on my belakang... I insaf bang... I insaf... **cry like bapuk...**

Tuah : Dun cry my adik... it is better to insaf and balik ke pangkal jalan... then to not insaf and go to Ibiza instead and move it move it. We are after all hanya manusia. Nah... ambil ni Kleenex... twin-ply... veli sedut air one...

Jebat : Oh Tuah... I terima kasih you from the very bottom of my hati. You are so faham my perasaan feeling. You are my hidup Tuah.

Tuah : You are oso my most sayang. Come... let me cubit your pipi... sooooo cuuuuteeeeee!

Jebat : Eheheheeheee... eh... sakit-lar... ehehehe...

Tuah : I am gembira we have manage to solve our problems using Six Sigma technique. Jom... we go KAYU to hav roti bawang to celebrate. After that we hui chu Kalimdor mai tong si k?

Jebat : Jom.

And thus they lived happily ever after. Tamat cerita.

Yalar... I forgot the story liao. So sue me. Blek... :-P

Appendix :

The keris owned by Hang Tuah was called Taming Sari(above). It was special in that it was made of twenty types of iron - supposedly metal left over from the forging of the bolts of the Ka'aba. It was said that Taming Sari could do Hang Tuah's fighting for him - if Hang Tuah were menaced or in any way endangered, the keris would leap out of its sheath all by itself, fly through the air and attack the assailant, moving in the air whichever way the assailant dodged or turned, until it hit its mark. The whole of the 'sampir' and 'batang' are covered in gold leaf, making it a 'keris gabus' or 'keris terapang'.

It still exists today and is part of the regalia of DYMM